I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
