Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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