Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
