I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
