thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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