When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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