You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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