i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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