Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
