the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
