Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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