she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
