Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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