I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
