I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
