Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
