I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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