if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
