even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
