Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
