I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
