We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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