Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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