im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
