2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
