I just cut my nipple shaving
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
