Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
