Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
