he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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