she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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