just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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