dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
