she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
