TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
