I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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