I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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