there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
