If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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