how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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