Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
