my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
