There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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