what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
