I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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