Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
