me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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