god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
