I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
