1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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