any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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