I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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