i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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