My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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