so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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